“If a person gave away your body to some passerby, you’d be furious. Yet you hand over your mind to anyone who comes along, so they may abuse you, leaving it disturbed and troubled- have you no shame in that?” – Epictetus, Enchiridion, 28.
Every single person can relate to the experience of being belittled or feeling judged by a total stranger. For some, this experience hardly registers in their mind. For others, it sticks with them for the entire day and can be incredibly anxiety-inducing.
Why do we care so much about other’s opinions?
Feeling judged or perceived badly by others is almost always unpleasant, but why does it have such a profound impact on us? Well, for starters, our desire to be liked by total strangers has deep evolutionary roots. If you go back hundreds of thousands of years, you would be living in a small band of individuals that rely on each other for survival. If you are regarded as a threat or liability to the group, you would be cast out and forced to survive on your own. Chances are you wouldn’t survive for too long before getting eaten by a lion or dying from malnourishment. Unfortunately, this desire to be well-liked has not adapted to the modern world in which we find ourselves. Today, a bad social encounter could ruin your entire afternoon (speaking from experience here).
When it comes to interactions with strangers, remember that they will hardly remember you or that random comment you shared with them at a party. The reality is that we are all too focused on ourselves and thinking about how others see us. We are all too stuck in the psycho-drama of our lives to even dwell on others’ mistakes or quirks. Psychologist Arthur Brooks has a phenomenal podcast episode on this topic here.
The point here is not to ignore the feedback or judgement of others. Rather, we should prioritize listening to people whom we actually respect and admire. Former Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has a famous mantra that says: “Never take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from.”
I really like this idea. We get so caught up believing the lies and narratives of other people who hardly deserve our respect. Yet, we obsess about what they think of us. When we feel judged, we have this unconscious belief that the other person is right about us. We would never consider asking them for guidance because deep down we know that their life is also a mess.
One of my favorite tv shows of all time is Ted Lasso. It’s a silly, satirical comedy, but it also has some deep messaging that resonates with people. In one episode, the main character, Coach Lasso, tells his friends: “All them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them were curious. You know, they thought they had everything all figured out. So they judged everything, and they judged everyone. And I realized that their underestimating me… who I was had nothing to do with it.”
People that lack curiosity believe they have life all figured out. The random people you encounter in life that look down on you are often struggling themselves. They employ derision and mockery because, in some twisted way, it makes them feel more in control of their own life. Their fears and doubts lead them further into cynicism; this is debilitating in its own right. The real wisdom lies in the humility of knowing you have room to grow and learn from others. Approach conversations with a desire to better understand the person in front of you. And on the flip side, do not worry how you are perceived. Embrace conversations and interactions with confidence and enthusiasm. You will soon discover that your own fears and self-narratives are hardly accurate indicators of how you’re perceived.